One of the parenting tricks I’ve relied on heavily since my oldest was tiny is Delayed Gratification. With Delayed Gratification, the basic idea is to not, under any circumstance, give up all the secret weapons I have as soon as I’m in the situation necessitating the secret weapons. I bet you all know what I mean!
Example Number 1: Church. I know I have an hour (or occasionally more) during which I really want my kids to stay calm and quiet. My secret weapons for church have included teethers and other quiet toys, books, Cheerios, and sippy cups. Rather than dump all of that out on the pew when I first get there, though, I instead introduce the toys or books first, as needed, one at a time if possible, not moving on to the next thing until the little ones are getting antsy and distraction isn’t working. Then I pull out the Cheerios (one by one if possible), then the drink. Or whatever order seems best based on that day, as well as whether or not they’re hungry, and whichever of the kids need the most managing.
Example Number 2: Sporting events. We were at the baseball field the other night for my sons’ game (which was actually the inspiration for this piece), and I brought dinner as I usually do on game nights. I brought several “courses”: chicken tenders (from frozen), green beans and strawberries (some like one, some like the other, and I’m thrilled if any of them willingly eat anything grown in the ground), Cheetos (a personal favorite, I admit), and lollipops. I introduced each food separately, and really tried to keep the lollipops until as close to the end as I could. The boys kept asking for them—they knew I had them—but I put them off until I thought it was a good time to give them out (I’m also not opposed to giving a second or even third lollipop if the particular day requires it.)
Example Number 3: Overnight trips. This one is trickier—different than the one hour of church or couple-hour-long game, overnight trips involve a whole lot more time and often more craziness to manage. But I use the same method of Delayed Gratification by packing several items and activities that are sure to capture my boys’ interest and introducing them slowly and only as needed. Paper and coloring books are great, especially if they’re new—my boys love to color and draw, so I try to save this as long as I can. A new movie (or even a beloved favorite, if it’s sure to do the trick) is a great part of the plan. We don’t play a huge amount of board- or card games, but the boys love it when we do that kind of thing with them (Hangman is one of our favorites), so an overnight trip is a great time to do something like that (I usually schedule myself to have coffee during this time). At hotels, we revolve most of our activities around when we swim in the pool; when we would stay with my mother-in-law or when we’re at my parents’, the grandparents always had/have something planned that we schedule around (my mother-in-law loved to get the Slip N Slide set up, for example; my mom loves to bake with the boys; my dad will watch a ball game on TV with them or enlist them to help him with some small chore or activity).
But even though I try to have a rough idea of how to fill up the time when we’re outside the house for short periods or long (because “hanging out” just doesn’t work with small children for too long, in my experience), that doesn’t mean I have every minute scheduled, nor that I’m frantic to have the kids doing “something” every second. I really do try to hold off on introducing anything new/fun/interesting/distracting to them, especially when we first arrive somewhere, as they love to take time to get acquainted with their new surroundings. Even if it’s a spot that’s familiar and well-traveled by our family, my boys will usually be happy spending a good while scoping it out again. The other night my little boys ran right to a tree near where we sit at the baseball field and found cracked acorns underneath on one side and dandelions on the other—all new since we’d been there the week before, and all completely exciting to them. My older boys set off together on a walk around the park and were happily occupied doing that for a large chunk of the game.
When we arrive at church, we usually have a few minutes during which the boys look around, see who’s there, find the page in the hymnal for the first song, decide whether they want to keep their coats on or take them off, and even say a few prayers. Getting to the grandparents’ house means tearing off their socks and shoes to get comfy, finding their favorite toys of the ones there, saying hi to everyone, claiming spots on the couch, etc.
This whole idea is related to another parenting principle I live by, which is Don’t Bother a Happy Baby—but that’s a topic for another month. I hope all you moms have a wonderful Mother’s Day, especially my own mom!
Kate and her husband have six sons ages 12, 10, 8, 7, 5, and 3. Follow her at www.facebook.com/kmtowne23, or email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
